So obviously I'm bad at keeping up with a blog. Usually because I waste away my time drowning in bad luck and self defeat. I don't want to do that. It's weird because there's such a fine line between self pity and depression. I know I have been diagnosed with chemical and situational depression. I know I am not on my meds because I cannot afford health insurance. And I know that all the energy in me goes into trying to seem normal and happy in public/ while I'm at work, as well as convincing myself that each day is worth getting out of bed for and maybe even doing a little dance in my underwear instead of crying. (P.S. I got my first restaurant job working in a Spanish Wine Bar). While my new job requires a lot of energy, I also find it gives a bit back, too. My managers are fantastic and work very hard, a stark change from previous jobs where managers sat back and "delegated" while they gossiped in the office. In addition, just about everyone I work with are entirely pleasant human beings who seem to have good hearts. Even though I barely make enough to pay the bills, I feel more energized than my previous jobs where I was financially secure but miserable. I am so thankful for that.
Things have been hard for a lot of reasons lately. My sister is pregnant but does not think I am the kind of person she needs in her life right now. This makes me nauseous with fear and sadness just writing this, but hey, a blog is nothing if not a public journal, right? The whole point of me doing this is to open up all of my insecurities, fears, and weaknesses in an attempt to overcome them. Call it a social experiment in place of unaffordable therapy. I know via her perspective she has her sound reasons for no longer finding joy in me. I understand them. I know that in her mind these feelings are valid and legitimate. I may not agree with them or think that the way things are being handled is . . . the right, familial, or loving way, but I have to respect those decisions and deal with the pain of them on my own. One of the hardest things about depression is believing you are worthy of love, so this has been a massive challenge, but one that was needed. Years ago I would have lied about my life and who I am and not lived the life I wanted for fear of disappointing my family or losing their love. Which is still a huge fear and something I struggle with. But now I don't want to change who I am for anyone and risk my own freedom and pursuit of personal happiness to cater to someone's idea of who I should be. And if their love for me is based on wether or not I am who they think I should be, then I have to let them figure out the course of action that is best for them, even if it breaks my heart.
I don't mean to get caught up in this, I guess my overall point is that, being yourself is hard. I HATE the idea of disappointing anyone or hurting anyone, but I also know you will never be happy or content if you stifle yourself or try to conform of what you think others want from you. It's unhealthy, it's toxic, it breeds resentment, and a lack of confidence. I haven't felt confident in years because I was too busy trying to be what everyone else expected and wanted, and of course constantly failing, and every time a bit of my own true self slipped out between the cracks I was so ashamed and afraid of that piece of me being persecuted. While it was by some, it also was admired by others. Even writing openly about mental illness and all the shit that people like me go through every day (it's way more of you than you may realize), I have had so many people reach out and say, "hey thanks for writing this, it makes me feel more comfortable." Or, "hey, I am dealing with loving someone who is depressed, any advice on how to love them better?" And that is so worth it to me. Those are the moments I am almost, dare I say, thankful for my illness. If being depressed helps me connect with and even help others, then I am thankful for that. Because those connections help me too.
I know none of this is a revelation. I know that roughly 43.8 million Americans suffer from mental illness in a given year. I know depression is almost more common than uncommon in our generation. I also know that if one more person suggests "curing" my mental illness by having a "positive attitude," or "just setting your mind to it," I will wish depression on you for one week so you will never say something ignorant like that again. And that's the meanest thing I can think of but also the most educational.
I do want to be more positive. I do want to believe in myself. I do want my confidence back. I do want to apply for a job, start a hobby, or study to be a Sommelier and actually believe that I will succeed at it. And while mind over matter is important, and doing things to motivate yourself can help, it is not the absolute answer. There isn't always an absolute answer. All we can do is try to find what motivates us and makes us happy and DO THAT. For me, I make myself get out of bed and listen to a favorite song on repeat and dance around in my underwear for a bit before I get ready for work. (Listen to "Mine" from Bazzi and just TRY not to dance).
All of this to say is, while I wish I didn't struggle with depression, I am also thankful for it in a lot of ways. I am much more aware of other's suffering. I am much more empathetic. And I am much more compassionate. I of course struggle with anxiety turning into fear and anger, it can also make me mean and bitter, but I can try with all of my heart to open my mind, see everyone else's perspective, and try to differentiate what is real and me, and what is my illness driving me to feel and think. It can be hard to tell the difference sometimes, but I think it's important to recognize it and fight it.
Even though I've hurt people along the way and lost friends and family by being myself, I have also gained fruitful and meaningful connections as well as started getting a little confidence back. Slowly but surely feeling like my "authentic self" (to be cliche) is doing wonders to helping me climb back on the beaten path of life.
And if anyone is reading this, please feel free to take a moment to encourage, love, and recognize those around you struggling. I have a tendency to get wrapped up in my own problems and forget to see who is suffering around me and I want to be better at that. I also want to not be scared to ask friends how they are doing for fear that I won't say or do the right thing to help them. Feel free to call me out. I need accountability in happiness as well as selflessness.
So please, BE YOURSELF no matter what the cost. Because if you are trying to be someone you're not you will never be happy. Unless you're a serial killer. If your true self is a serial killer hold that shit in and go see a therapist asap. Otherwise, dance in your underwear and dress how you want, speak bravely how you want, do the work that makes you happy, and live life for yourself, not in fear of others.
Forever and ever, Amen.
P.S. I promise every post won't be about overcoming depression. My goal is to write a "happy post" soon and only talk about things that have made me feel joy.